guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
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mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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