Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
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Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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