Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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