Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize