Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
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well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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