Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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