I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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