I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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