I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
