These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize