The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize