When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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