Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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