smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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