The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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