can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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