I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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