Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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