I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
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best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
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We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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