i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
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I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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