I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
