I murdered the dance floor call the cops
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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