im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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