sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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