we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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