how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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