Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
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dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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