This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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