just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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