Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize