at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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