Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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