Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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