so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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