he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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