I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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