I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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