why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize