Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
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I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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