I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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