this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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