My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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