Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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