I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize