I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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