Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize