the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize