If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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