oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
