I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize